Excerpt of a book I will never write

They tell you that they can’t be with you anymore because of your depression. The person that is supposed to help you through the hard times has decided they can’t deal with it anymore. Now I understand depression can be really difficult for those around you. It can bring them down too. It’s hard for you to live with it, nevermind someone else, but there’s something about it that just seems so incredibly unfair.

You knew I had depression before I even realised for the first time that I loved you. Why did you wait so long to tell me? Why did you have to wait until I loved you more than I’ve ever loved anyone?

Depression has taken away so many things in my life. My education, my friends, and a career. But, not only that, it’s taken away love. To realise that someone can’t be with you because of your depression makes it so much harder to bear because it’s not something you’ve chosen; It’s something that has happened to you, and it’s something that is out of your control.

When one person tells you they can’t handle it, you start wondering if anyone could. You start to believe that if you have depression then you aren’t worthy of love. You aren’t good enough.

When you come out of your depression you become so afraid of going back there, not only because it makes you feel awful, but because it so clearly affects everyone around you. You feel like a burden. You become so afraid of getting close to someone in case depression comes back around and they leave you.

You left me at the most difficult time of my life. I was about to be diagnosed with a chronic, lifelong mental illness when I needed someone the most. and the worst part is that I completely understand why.

 

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