So, literally about ten minutes ago, I came to a shocking discovery… for the past couple of weeks I’ve really been unable to enjoy almost anything which I might usually find pleasure in. You may jump up and say, like many have, ‘it’s because you’re depressed’. But this is the thing, I don’t always feel depressed. In fact, there are many occasions in which I’ve been manically happy, and yet, I cannot for the life of me bring myself to take part in any of my usual hobbies, nevermind pushing myself to do things like housework. I’m pretty sure now that I have discovered why this is… I am putting too much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly.
I have a whole three shelves of books in my house and about half of them consist of self-help books, the majority of which I haven’t even begun to read. Like most perfectionists, I want to find any way in which I can improve to become the ‘perfect’ person. But I’m always scared that I won’t read the information correctly, that I will forget important points and that I will be unable to change any behaviours.
Today Joss reached for the book ‘Too Perfect- when being in control gets out of control’ and told me that I might find it in some way helpful. I am lacking the energy today to do something physical so I might as well read. The book is old, the pages have yellowed and I imagine he has probably bought it second hand from somewhere but that doesn’t make what I have read from it any less helpful and useful. I read about 5 or 6 pages before I realised that the problem i am having is that I am putting too much pressure on myself to do all things with perfection.
I admit that i am a huge procrastinator, but I am also a perfectionist… these two can end up creating a horribly consistent pattern of behaviour. I don’t want to do something in case I do not do it perfectly, even gaming, even writing, even putting laundry on. When it leads you to a point of stalemate it becomes toxic, and it left me unable to function well. Just realising this has instantly made me aware that doing something imperfectly is better than doing nothing at all.
Now I’m sitting writing my blog, the laundry is on and i am excited about the possibility of what today has to offer.This blog post ISN’T perfect, but you know what? Nothing ever will be. It’s always important when you know your behaviour is toxic to look back and discover why. Be mindful of your emotions and always be curious.